Do I see only a reflection here Of my own place in time? Is it impenetrable, And mirror to my whims? Or is it a portal, a way through To something new, Beyond these bland, trinket-hung walls Of an already blurred understanding?
Can I render myself small enough, Do you think? Atom small, let’s say, And squeeze through? Or might I only observe from here, Anchored in this half seen corner Of the world?
How can I discern the truth? Test the evidence of my eyes? Can I reach out, Attempt a crossing to that other place At risk of smeary fingerprints, Marks of bruised rebuff upon the glass, Witness then I could not pass, And skittered back to grey?
Better to pretend I see nothing. Feel nothing, And thus guarantee, I do nothing to offend.
Originally published as “Doing nothing to offend” at Visual Verse.
A stinging thing, these waspish thoughts, They built the castles, and dug the moats. We churn them round, we thrust them out, Those waspish thoughts, without a doubt, They fell the mountains, burn the earth, Stunt the spirit, and still the birth.
If only all could go our way, Those waspish thoughts, to win the day, Then they, who’d dare to do us down, Would fall into our moat and drown. Or so we’d think, but so it goes, With never a day without some cause, Some hook on which to puff our pride, To dig our moat so deep, so wide.
We stand there thus, our pride to sing, ‘Mid clouds of wasps, to buzz and sting When should we not, to be our best, Heal first our selves, and forget the rest?
The cold seems to have been hanging on this first week in June, the house struggling to warm, most days never breaking eighteen degrees. The boiler lies dormant. Jumpers and jackets suffice for comfort and, of an evening, only essential lamps are lit. Appliances are scrutinised for kilowatts, and used as necessary but with circumspection. I don’t know if such economies are futile, but we make them anyway. And as I gaze out along the street, none of my neighbours are lit up either, so I guess I’m not the only one feeling a way through these strange times.
Meanwhile, malodorous smoke drifts, chugging out from the chimneys of those with wood-burners. These were purchased no doubt, for fancy, when they were of a fashion, but are now pressed into the more serious production of free heat – this, I suspect, from the burning of old pallets, and window frames. All of which is to the chagrin of those with hung out washing, and to me, whose sinuses swell at the merest whiff. Reluctantly, I take an anti-histamine.
For such a tiny pill, the anti-histamine packs a mighty punch, and I never could handle them. It does nothing for the sinuses, but puts me in a muddle all the next day long, and takes my legs. We’ll say that’s what it is anyway, as we feel the path bite. We’re in White Coppice, a little late in the day, so it was a struggle to park. I think some schools are still on Half Term – so hard to judge them these days. The plan is to wander up the ravine of Dean Black Brook, breaking out towards its head to Great Hill, but I find I’m overdressed for the day, which warms suddenly, and my legs are – well – leaden.
It’s becoming quite a sporting route, this, the path eroding, and dangerous in places as it slides away to a long and exposed drop. Or it may just be my age, and it’s always been this way. As an approach to Great Hill, it’s a more intimate route than the more popular path by Drinkwaters with its wide moorland vistas.
There are little cascades along the way, some accessible, some not, as the path sweeps up and down. At the first of these, I rest a bit, pull off the jacket before I boil, and settle down to take a photograph. It’s a cheat, I suppose, but even a modest runnel of water like this can be made to appear dramatic, from the right angle, and with a bit of cropping. Thus, I fuss over dozens of shots, thinking at least one is likely to come out all right. I’m packing up and turn to recover the path, only to be startled by a pair of Amazons coming at me like they mean business. That’s it with running water, you don’t hear the approach of others.
They have stepped out of an Instagram shoot, these girls. They are – what do you call them? – influencers, or perhaps more likely influenced. Tall, both of them, blonde and shapely, in their twenties, hair tied up in identical ways, like twin sisters. They wear identical gear: very short shorts, tight tee-shirts, little back-packs bouncing in the smalls of their backs, and running shoes. They are moving fast, and have looks of grim determination about them.
The lead girl is bold, and sure of foot, heedless of the sometimes sporting nature of the path. The girl who follows is more hesitant. She is the one I would have most in common with, I think. I never had much time for bold leader-types, nor they for me. I feel almost bowled aside by them, but they do not seem to notice me.
I venture a polite hello. The lead girl ignores it, or does not hear it. The girl who follows makes a belated, surprised response, as if indeed they had not noticed me. With a fragrant waft of body-spray, they are gone, up the side of the ravine, climbing like mountain goats. I see only legs, and sky. I reassure myself I would have outpaced them once, but not today. Today, I flake out at every opportunity, and fiddle with the camera.
We fiddle with it some more, at every insignificant sparkle of the brook along the way. Our progress is slow and halting, the day of a sudden somehow jaded. We take pictures of the more unfamiliar flora to identify later (heath bedstraw), and note the fresh green ferns now sprouting, marking their assertive dominance. In a few weeks they will be tall and wavy, and the valley will be pungent with them, and the air caught in their fronds will be thick with the drone of flies.
I see the crown of Great Hill ahead, and the sycamores by the ruin of Great Hill Farm. The Amazons are already two jogging dots of white against the heat wobbled green of the moor. They were indeed beautiful girls, but they struck me as cold, and that’s always something of a paradox, as I always imagine beauty to be warm. Bodies to die for, of course, and which would lure even the most nervous would-be lover from his mother’s apron, but they possessed not a smile between them. I don’t know why that struck me. Perhaps it was just the day and the muddlement, caused by the anti-histamine. It would need a poem to explore it.
We leave Black Dean Brook by the kissing gate that brings us up to the ruin of Drinkwaters, and there we sit in the shade of trees, enjoying a cooling breeze. Even the sheep are reluctant to relinquish their shade, now, and keep us company. A few lines of a poem by Betjeman comes unbidden:
Fair tigress of the tennis courts, So short in sleeve and strong in shorts, Little, alas, to you I mean, For I am bald and old and green,..
And while I thank the unconscious pixie for its wry humour – which does indeed raise a smile – I know that’s not it, and it knows I know, but challenges me to mull it over and come back with a more serious answer to the question the day poses. So then it’s down to White Coppice in weary defeat, Great Hill seeming an Everest of effort, and quite beyond us, nothing in the legs, and this haunting sense of Beauty having turned its back.
At home, we sit out with coffee, and watch the sunset. The day is cooling again, and needs a sweater for comfort. Then the village stokes its wood-burners for the evening, and we withdraw to the cleaner air indoors, to dream, not of Amazons, but of sparkling rills along the Dean Black Brook.
And we attempt our reply, not as erudite or as witty as Betjeman:
Awakening to loss, we mourn the day’s swift run, Seeking shallow waters, so to play, Mistaking splash and haste for meaning, And with foolish swings, Scythe then our harvest home, Thin as air, wholesome as the dust, Of windblown clay. Only in the lingering pause of beauty, Do the depths reveal, And then, smiling, lead the way.
The forecast says the days will turn warmer. I welcome that.
I made a little lantern, From an old glass bowl I found, In a charity shop, For a couple of pounds, And rice lights, two hundred or more, Solar ones. A tenner, From the bargain home store.
Builder’s silicone, Keeps out the wet, All wiped neat and clean, Before it could set. Then I found some old copper wire, Which I bent to a hanger With a stout pair of pliers.
By day, it sits out, And feeds from the sun. But at night it comes in As the darkness comes on.
It’ll take a long time To catch up the cost, But it’s pretty, And persuades me That all is not lost.
That so long as our minds, Continue to spark, There’ll always be something To light up the dark.
As I’ve grown old and hard, She has softened sweet, regressed to sleight of youth, and dances now, thin-veiled, in the forest of this, the moon’s first crescent whim. And she teases with her fluid hips.
I did know her, once, when we both were of an age. But she has grown so young, of late, and wise, and I can no longer enter in that forest’s ferny shade. For I am grown too slow, to bide, and dancesuch fevered reels. I must, alone then, brave this slower time of turning,and the wilderness within.
The payers, grown lean of late, Fall to the myriad blades, Of this, their unfortunate fate. They perish in great number, Rule takers, not breakers, While the players, and rule makers, Wrapped in capital colours, Prance, booze faced, and hearty. They make large and party.
Meanwhile, in the hollow land, A bare tree claws the last warm rags From a sinking sun. A kestrel shoulders air, But – nothing worth the dive – Moves on.
Hot day at the beach. Blue sky and a hard sun, softens now to haze of golden evening. Skimpy girls twirl in summer shimmerings, and kiss-me colours, while tanned boys with sharp beards point their chins in strutting play. A medley of tongues, and skins drift, arm in arm, dreaming, towards the pier’s westward end. How beautiful we still are, When our hearts transcend the fear.
I want to write poetry, just like in olden times with a notebook, and a fountain pen, and a book of common rhymes.
I want to watch the sunset, across this folded dale, with a lantern at my elbow, as the light begins to fail, and the sash taps out in whispers, the ciphers of the muse, dot-dot dash, dot-dot dash, at the rising of the moon.
And if I pay attention, yet resist that grasping urge the pen might yet decipher an authentic string of words, a pattern in the ink strokes on this smooth vanilla page, a thing we can hold onto at the fading of the age, a string of understanding, timeless and complete, indelible and indifferent, to control, and alt-delete.
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The Rivendale Review 